Let me tell you what really happened beneath the crust of Mobius, where I, the magnificent Dr. Ivo Robotnik, attempted to rid the world of that meddlesome hedgehog once and for all—only to be foiled by a series of geological catastrophes and a miserly mole.

It all started with me expressing a healthy, justified hatred for Sonic—as usual. My Deluxe-Highly-Calibrated-Hedgehog-ometer (patent pending) located the blue menace in the Marble Zone, so I did what any brilliant overlord would do: I launched my two idiot henchbots, Scratch and Grounder, straight into the action.

Naturally, those nincompoops failed to capture Sonic and Tails, who escaped down a geyser (the cowards). They ended up in a maze of tunnels where they stumbled upon a treasure-hoarding mole named Spelunk—who, by the way, had no sense of gratitude or manners (I kind of like him). He tried to blast them with a cannonball (Okay, now I really like him!), but predictably, it hit my robots instead. Never mind, I don't like him anymore.

Eventually, the hedgehog and his two-tailed sidekick ran into Spelunk again on some minecart tracks, where Sonic played crossing guard for a bunch of turtles. I’m starting to think he gets paid per disguise. Just when they thought they were getting away, Spelunk turned on them and dropped them into a diamondius cage—fitting for someone as flashy as Sonic.

Sensing the perfect opportunity, I arrived with my custom drilling rigs, ready to scoop up both that blue pest and the mole’s sparkly stash. But Spelunk, in a stunning display of misdirected blame, decided I was the bad guy here! (Which, yes, is accurate, but still rude!) He dropped Sonic and Tails into a pit, but my idiotic subordinates set off dynamite, accidentally freeing them while dropping me into the pit instead. Perfect.

As the cave collapsed, Sonic saved Spelunk from being flattened like a greedy pancake. Touching. Gag-worthy. Spelunk then decided to guide the duo to safety like they were long-lost friends.

And just when I thought I could salvage the situation with a little looting, that wretched hedgehog showed up dressed as an IRS agent! He rattled off some bogus tax charges and wrapped me and my robots in tape before sending us up a conveyor belt into my Egg-o-Matic. Spelunk lit the belt on fire, Sonic stole the treasure, and BOOM—we were blasted sky-high. I HATE THAT HEDGEHOG!

As I soared through the air with my disgraceful hench-buffoons, I reflected on one important truth: this entire disaster was all Sonic’s fault. And maybe a little bit Scratch and Grounder’s too.

It certainly wasn't mine!