Waku Waku Sonic Patrol Car took everything you loved about arcade action... and shoved it into a police car ride for toddlers. That’s right — a family-sized kiddie ride where Sonic the Hedgehog plays the role of a squeaky-clean policeman on patrol. And who’s the criminal causing traffic calamity? Me, of course!

The game — if we can even call it that — lasts a whole two minutes. You pop in a coin, Sonic delivers a chipper speech, then jumps into his blue police cruiser. Your job? Steer him through city streets, avoid other cars, dodge pedestrians, and try not to spin out like an idiot when someone bumps into you. Groundbreaking gameplay, I know.

Eventually, I roll up in my red car and start lobbing bombs! And what’s Sonic do? Turns on the siren, jumps out of his car, and Spin Jumps me into oblivion!

Once you’ve trashed my ride, I flee like any sensible genius would, and Sonic returns to his station to smugly thank the player for their “good driving.” Depending on how well you dodged cars and avoided my perfectly reasonable explosives, the game rewards you with a star rating — from one to five. Yes, even this game judged you.

Now don’t get me wrong. It’s cute. It’s colorful. It’s even got voice acting — the first time in the series, mind you. But Sonic... as a cop? Gwa ha ha! The symbol of "freedom" putting on a uniform and enforcing the law, it's too rich!

Still… props to the cabinet. It fit two players and actually looked like a patrol car. I may have gotten blown up, but I did it in style.