Released in arcades in 1993, SegaSonic the Hedgehog brought my genius to the forefront of isometric insanity! Developed by the brilliant minds at Sega AM3, this game challenged players to outrun disaster using nothing but a trackball and pure skill! And who were the test subjects for my twisted little island experiment? Why, Sonic the Hedgehog, and two so-called “heroes” no one had ever heard of before: Mighty the Armadillo and Ray the Flying Squirrel. Kidnapping those fools was the easy part. Watching them squirm across Eggman Island, my perillous prison? Now that was entertainment!

Players rolled that trackball like their lives depended on it — because it did! My island was packed with rolling boulders, lava pits, spinning gears, collapsing cliffs, and traps galore. You’d think these fools would give up after the first dozen near-deaths, but no, they kept scrambling forward. Spin-jumping through fire, dodging saw blades, fleeing rising water—all while I watched every move from the comfort of my command center! My Eggman Tower was the final test, complete with a lovely self-destruct sequence (I always have to keep things dramatic). Sonic and his little friends had twenty seconds to escape. If they failed, they were treated to the delightful sound of me laughing as the Game Over screen flashed. What? Fair’s fair, and I hate fair! Ooh ho ho!

Why hasn’t this gem been re-released, you ask? Because mere mortals can’t handle the majesty of the trackball. No ports. No remakes. Just glorious arcade exclusivity! A true gaming classic, lost to time, unless you’re lucky enough to stumble across one in the wild. (Or if you're an emulating pirate, which of course I approve of!)